Today I had to remind myself: It’s okay to be happy, even in times of crisis.
I had been wondering what to write for this weekend’s post because I scrapped the original idea I had. It seemed wrong to be writing about something frivolous right now. But then I realised that that, in itself, was wrong.
Let me tell you why, and unlike my usual promises of speed round here(!), I will be quick…
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The past few days and weeks have been nothing short of devastating where the news is concerned. I haven’t commented publicly about any of it. (We’ve discussed it plenty at home, and continue to do so.) But my platform is not the platform to discuss the events happening in the world, and I’m not the blogger to discuss them. It doesn’t mean my heart isn’t breaking at what I’m seeing on TV.
And it doesn’t mean that people I follow and writers I subscribe to should be expected to comment/condemn/wade in on the conversation either.
I’ve heard that many influencers and celebrities have been taken to task over not expressing their opinions via social media about what’s been happening in the news. Since when were they responsible for social commentary on political matters? I don’t open Instagram and scroll through expecting my favourite actor/singer/blogger to have made a statement about the Middle East. Someone I’ve followed on Instagram for years (who has half a million followers) had to post a video the other day to defend herself against all those who’d criticised her for not coming out with some sort of statement about the situation. Er, what?!
So with all that in mind, I felt uneasy about what I’d already started writing about for my next post. Would I be criticised for writing about something fun, something trivial?
Last Friday (the 13th, what a lovely stroke of non-luck) for me was a particularly unpleasant day. Nothing traumatic, just a long list of things going wrong or bad that made me thoroughly fed up:
- It was the first anniversary of my mother-in-law’s passing
- I found out the second hedgehog I’d found wandering outside during the day (many hogs live in our garden) and taken to the rescue centre also – like the first – didn’t make it
- Two separate cars in two separate incidents very nearly crashed into me (neither my fault), causing potential road rage
- I had an admin nightmare with the blog and worked out that two things going wrong would now cost me extra money to fix them
- A well-paying, regular (twice monthly) writing job I’d literally just secured had gone down the pan because the company had decided to close that part of the online business, meaning the guaranteed income I was so relieved to be getting wasn’t going to materialise
- Keith came home and said that he too had had a terrible day at work.
And as I listed all those things in a Whatsapp chat with friends, I said “Okay it’s bad but at least my family and friends are safe and none of our lives are in danger.” I felt I had to say that in case I came across as unfeeling considering the news.
This is the thing: ALL feelings are valid. One friend quite rightly said this to me:
“Don’t feel bad about feeling shit. You can feel shit but also know that terrible things are happening to innocent people. The two aren’t connected.”
She’s 100% right because I KNOW this. I know that someone’s feelings should never be criticised just because “someone else has it worse”. There will ALWAYS be someone who has it worse. So to invalidate someone’s feelings by stating they should buck up and get on with it because someone else is having a harder time than them is unkind and cruel.
I’ve noticed men are VERY good at doing this on social media and in the media generally (though I’m not that surprised). I was listening to a radio phone-in this summer that had callers discussing the cost of living crisis and how they were struggling to feed or clothe their kids; one man phoned in to say “They’re not being bombed like in Ukraine so they should stop exaggerating about how bad things are for them. It’s not a crisis.”
As I’m sure you can imagine I was beyond angry.
I’d never invalidate someone else’s feelings like that, so I mustn’t beat myself up about having those feelings myself.
It’s okay to be happy
Bringing it around to happier thoughts… in the opposite vein, it’s also okay to have a GOOD day. And a week later, this Friday, was a good day. Nothing terrible happened [to me or my loved ones], Keith didn’t have a terrible day at work. The sun came out for a bit and it was pretty mild. I tidied the house and got lots of writing and admin done. We ate great food together this evening and then continued to watch the Beckham documentary on Netflix which was excellent. I got a new haircut this week and am still loving it.
For all of this and for everything that I have, I am ETERNALLY grateful. To know that my family are safe whilst at the same time recognising that the world seems to be going to shit (today’s news also had reports about people in Scotland and the north of England losing their lives in Storm Babet) is a reason to be happy and grateful at the same time as hurting for those elsewhere.
Sadly, tragic and horrific things are always going to happen. But it’s important to recognise that your own life is sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes a breeze and sometimes really f***ing difficult. And sometimes it’s brilliant for us when for others it’s not – and vice versa.
And all of those things are okay.
I hope you have a safe and happy weekend x
Please note this is not, however it may be interpreted, a political post or statement… quite the opposite. It’s about how being happy is okay, as per the title. So do please share your wins this week or happy events that have happened to you in the comments below 🙂
Linking up to… Monday: Stylish Monday (second Monday of the month), Inspire Me Monday, My Glittery Heart, On Mondays We Link Up || Tuesday: Style With a Smile, Trend Spin/Walking in Memphis in High Heels, Turning Heads Tuesday, Confident Twosday, Happy Now Blog Link Up || Wednesday: WowOnWednesday || Thursday: Chic & Stylish, Ageless Style Linkup (third Thursday of the month), || Friday: Neverending Style, Fancy Friday, On the Edge
I totally agree, Catherine. I honestly think it’s quite bizarre to demand that anyone with a platform must turn it into a political one every time something awful happens, and I’ve seen plenty of that on Instagram over the last few weeks. Why would the fact that someone has built a following based on their knowledge of makeup, or interior design, or whatever, make them the appropriate person to lecture us all on politics? It’s just insane. And don’t even get me started on the people criticizing “Influencers” for continuing to work as usual, while they themselves are presumably still going to work to earn a living: such a weird double standard!
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Amber the only time I ever got a little bit political was when I wrote my thoughts about the #MeToo movement (and how it felt like there was a shift in attitudes, it wasn’t a long commentary about the actual events) – I was put in my place by several people!! One asked if I was now going to write about the crimes of the Catholic Church against children (wtf?!) and another told me I should just stick to fashion because I had no place talking about women’s issues. Amazing how hard-hitting topics bring out all the trolls, isn’t it…?!
Oh and YES to those criticising us for earning a living!! How dare we! I guess it means we should go out and get a “proper job”, doesn’t it (FFS)…
I am so glad that you’ve had a better week sweetie!
The Reluctant Blogger | thereluctantblogger.co.uk
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Aww thanks so much Danielle <3
We all have good days and bad days. Events of the world can bring us down.
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They do, Patrick… I guess it’s a case of taking the rough with the smooth, isn’t it 🙂
Sorry about your rotten days Catherine and very happy to hear this week was better. This is what I tell myself when feeling the overwhelm: good and bad things have been happening in and on this world for as long as it and the living things on it have existed. Now through the blessing and curse of The News, we just know about all of it, all the time. Acknowledge your reactions, honor your feelings, do what you can, then don’t wallow in the event. Be kind to other people, even when they try to one-up your misery. I’ve found the best response to that sort of behavior is silence and moving to another subject. Don’t acknowledge boorish/unkind/mean behavior, otherwise it means they’ve been successful in their rattiness. Don’t allow them to disrupt you and cause you to be someone you aren’t. And remember, a smile is like a pebble tossed into the pond, its effect will ripple out beyond what you can see. Plus they’ll wonder what the heck you’ve been up to. Good stuff for me this week–got to visit a new-to-me garden center, woo-hoo!! xx
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Rona you’re spot on when you say “good and bad things have been happening in and on this world for as long as it and the living things on it have existed” – there always seems to be a knee-jerk reaction, doesn’t there? I love your reminde that we should always be kind, you’re absolutely right.
Hope the garden centre was fabulous – I love me a garden centre!!! x
I also feel guilty complaining about trivial things happening to me when there’s worse situations in the news.
I once mentioned being extremely tired to Someone (due to lack of sleep) & they immediately stated they had the right to be more tired than me because they had worked a 12 hr shift & I had only done 4hrs. How does that stop me feeling tired?!
However this week I attended a concert with my 2 grown up daughters ,we stayed overnight in a hotel & I really enjoyed it but the main thing that made me happy was not having an anxiety attack while being away from home which sometimes happens. So I feel relieved to have had a normal night out.
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That’s a classic example of someone invalidating your feelings, Cheryl… do they think it’s a competition? See who feels the most shit??
And your night out sounds brilliant – I’m so glad it was stress-free for you: all the more enjoyment to be had! I wish you many more! x
It’s perfectly normal to have good times and bad times, without the yuk days there wouldn’t be sunshine. Even the dreary monotonous jobs can be a ray of sunshine at times. Just roll with it all!
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You’re 100% right Fiona – we need the odd crappy day to appreciate the good ones (that goes for just about everything in life, doesn’t it)! x
This is sound advice and a very important message, Catherine. Thank you for bringing this uo. i know because I was in a (very expensive) group therapy group at an acclaimed medical center on September 11 2001 and we were told by expert professionals in the field of mental health (1) don’t watch the news reports or read the paper about the tragic events of September 11 for more than TEN MiNUTES, IF AT ALL (2) don’t think about it or talk about it because it is happening somewhere else and doesn’t involve you (3) focus on your own life (4) be hopeful about yout life and don’t be influenced by something bad happening to other people somewhere else that doesn’t involve you. (Mind you, it happened in my own country.) We were sternly warned, basically, that the biggest mistake we could make regarding our own health was to watch the news and think about it. if someone talked about it in Group, the counselor told them not to talk about it because it was detrimental to the other people in the Group.
Especially do NOT watch TV or internet videos of these events because your brain interprets it as if you are experiencing it. The goal is always to raise your “baseline” mood. Watching the news / videos and discussing these terrible events is very detrimental to your mood and will damage your mental health. Part of the terrorism is the dissemination of the video footage. (God created us to live happy and joyful lives. God has nothing to do with the evil events like wars and conflicts that go on in this world and doesn’t cause them. Those events are caused by people and there will always be lawless people who do evil things, even purportedly in the name of “God,” which in itself is blasphemy. Have nothing to do with them. Don’t participate in any protests or wave their flag and insert yourself into the situation. If it’s not happening in your home, neighborhood or general vicinity, it doesn’t involve you. If your family or a neighbor has a problem, that’s different. Do what you can do to help them.) Peace and all good.
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Oh my goodness Liz you were at group therapy on 9/11…? And they told you not to watch the news for more than 10 minutes?! I know that when exceptionally tragic things have happened in the news I watch the news almost non-stop – but to prove that their theory is right I remember in the early months of Covid I watched the daily briefings every single day and eventually realised it was absolutely draining me. I had to stop myself from watching them all the time because my emotional self just couldn’t take any more 🙁
The advice to focus on what happening around you is good advice I think, I guess you know that what you’re doing is making a direct difference x
Sorry to hear you had a bad day a while ago. If there are days when things are more than a bit pants, then I guess we can hope that the next few are much better. Great to hear you’re loving your new ‘do as well.
FWIW, I’m with you on struggling to balance the little bubble we live in, with the wider world and all that’s going on. It can be tough, but taking on the weight of the world, what does that do to us? TBH, some things I just have to push away and think on where we might be able to help others, spread kindness, and just try where we can.
As to certain folk playing ‘misery Top Trumps’ to invalidate others and I think it shows both a lack of empathy and kindness. I wish people would stop to think about what they’re about to say and be curious about other points of view. But then, what would all the talking head blowhards do to pass the time? 😛
So, things that have gone well or given me joy? It’s half term, so we’ve a few days off together (also no school run, which I don’t mind and not doing it is a nice break from the routine). Saturday has been dry, so we got out with the greyhounds and went to the pet shop for them. A friend asked for some help on creating a leaflet for her new business, and she was really grateful for some help, rather than struggling alone, bless her. At work, the team got an award for their EDI improvements and they looked fabulous in the photos too. Really happy for them.
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Ughhh “Misery Top Trumps” is a good way to describe it, Lynn! And I love your philosophy to “help others, spread kindness, and just try where we can”… that’s so good 🙂
Your listing the things that brought you joy has given me a wonderful idea where my Substack is concerned: I guess it’s a bit like a gratitude diary?! I like the idea of discussing the good and bad things that have happened in a week, it just reminds me of diary writing but with a grown-up slant. Your wins sound so good – it’s something I ask my husband about work each day now. He’s not exactly fond of his job and he often has a terrible day, so I ask him “What were your wins today” rather than “How was your day”. My theory is that it makes him see it more positively overall rather than a blanket “It was shit”…! Thanks my lovely x
I totally agree with your defense of feeling how You are feeling,rather than taking the ills of the world upon yourself; likewise I wish that others would abandon the ‘ buck up ‘ attitude.
I’ve just had four years trying to remain positive ( because it’s good for me) whilst struggling with two duff hips that require replacement. I was incensed when an acquaintance, when seeing me on crutches told me that I didn’t look ill and it usually ” shows in people’s faces “, followed by” at least you’ve had one hip done ” – where’s a bludgeon when you need one?
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Oh god your friend wasn’t exactly a friend in that situation, were they Tresi?! People’s insensitivity sometimes knows no bounds, does it 🙁
And you’re right about the telling others to buck up attitude. I think it’s a very British thing (“Keep calm and carry on” comes to mind) but it doesn’t mean that it’s a positive thing in terms of our mental health. We’ve come quite a way in terms of our attitudes with regard to racism, homophobia, etc. but to be honest we have a looooooong way to go still. And belittling people by expressing opinions on their appearance and making assumptions about their physical or mental state is especially unkind and harmful IMO. If you don’t have a proverbial bludgeon I can lend you one 😉
Hi Catherine. Glad you’ve had a better week. I had a lovely day with friends yesterday. We have all known eachother since we were 15 and meet up once a year. We lost one dear friend in the group to cancer this Summer so we met up yesterday, toasted our friend and had a good old catch up xx
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Thank you Kareema, I did – and how wonderful that you got to see your friends, I’m so sorry that you lost someone. But I hope you had a good reminisce about them and toasted them heartily 🙂 x