6 Fantasy Jobs I Would Be Really, Really Good At

I can’t be the only one who watches crime dramas and thinks, ‘I reckon I’d be really, really good at solving crimes’… can I?

There’s no shortage of true crime dramas (and documentary/docudramas) available to watch right now, so it’s hardly surprising if I’m not the only one who watches them with an egocentric sense of “I can do that, hold my beer”.

I am, of course, completely glossing over the fact that I’d have to train for many years as a police officer, work my way through the ranks, get onto the crime-solving team [can you tell I am 100% making this up based on absolutely no knowledge whatsoever] and then prove my mettle as a police detective before even THINKING about solving serious crimes.

No, I’m just watching these shows thinking that I’d be really good at that kind of stuff because I like playing Cluedo, working out how and why my snake plant ended up on the floor in the middle of the night and what stain IS that on my favourite shirt? (Maybe I shouldn’t delve too deep into that one.)

In other words, it’s a fantasy career that I think I’d be really good at. In a fantasy world. No training required. I’d just… EXCEL at it, right from the outset.

[Reading time: 6 mins]

All the fantasy jobs I’d be really, really good at

This idea of me being a really good detective inspector popped into my head during an episode of Mindhunter (or was it The Killing or maybe even Murderville, don’t laugh – or do, because it’s bloody hilarious). I then got to thinking about all the other fantasy jobs I’d a) be really, really good at, and b) really, really enjoy.

In a totally made up, impractical, I’m-not-being-serious way, of course.

I’ve come up with six jobs I could see myself doing – no training or experience required. Totally just for fun. (Coming up with them I mean, not the actual job itself… I don’t mean I would solve crime “just for fun”.)

Some are more achievable than others, some are more serious than others… I’d just love to give them a try so that I can say, I KNEW it was Professor Plum in the ballroom with the candlestick! GET in!

And in no particular order, they are…

Demolition operative

A what now, I hear you ask? Basically, someone who just demos houses all day. (Is there another, more accurate job description for it?) So that’s… ripping out kitchens. Pulling up carpets. Knocking down walls. There is NOTHING more that I like than destroying stuff that needs destroying (well, apart from the five other jobs, below), and I can’t tell you how much I love the satisfaction of seeing a big empty space that’s ready waiting to be remodelled.

I first got the bug when my parents retired and moved to an old Victorian property in Devon way back when I was at college. I loved stripping the wallpaper, pulling out old cupboards and sanding down woodwork. Keith and I did the same to our first home together (which probably hadn’t been decorated in 30-40 years), complete with wood-panelled walls, Christmas cake icing-style ceilings and minging psychedelic carpets.

When my parents then downsized and redid the kitchen in the smaller house, they paid the kitchen fitter to rip out the old kitchen… I was GUTTED that I didn’t get to do it (still not forgiven them for that one). Give me a sledgehammer, a claw hammer and a pair of protective glasses and I’m a happy bunny. My dream would be to operate a pneumatic drill or an excavator… can you IMAGINE how much fun that’d be?!

Giraffe zoo keeper

This is hardly surprising for anyone who either follows me on Instagram or has been reading the blog for a while… I am obsessed with giraffes. Obsessed. And last month I was lucky enough to go to London Zoo and do the giraffe zoo keeper experience (my family’s present to me for my 50th) and Oh. My. GOD – it was incredible. I made a reel so you see me sweeping out the yard, picking up giraffe poop (which is surprisingly dry and non-smelly) and feeding them. And loving every minute of it.

I cried when I first saw them. I was just in absolute awe and wonder at these incredible creatures. I was in my element and could absolutely see myself doing it every day as a job… because if you love it, it won’t seem like a job, will it?

Vintage shop owner

Now this one came to me, I think, because one day I was charity shop shopping again and it occurred to me that I can’t fit all the stuff I see and love into my house, but I COULD fit it into a shop to sell. Go around all the charity shops and curate things especially to sell in a special vintage homewares/curio shop? Trawl through eBay and Facebook Marketplace looking for those little gems that are being sold super cheap because people just want to get rid of them? Ughhhh… I’d love it.

It would be mostly stuff from the 70s but I’d also include 1950s, 1960s and a touch of 1980s stuff too – mid-century, in other words. Mid-century modern is my favourite interiors style – with a slight bias towards the 1970s – and I’m always seeing bits and pieces that I love. I just don’t have enough room for it all in my house, so a shop selling vintage homewares is the only solution.

Only thing is, I’m not sure I’d actually be happy about letting any of it go – I’d just want it to all sit in the shop so I can look at it lovingly, lol.

Oh no madam, that coffee pot is display only I’m afraid. And that Danish teak sideboard is sold already, apologies. Same for that vase over there. And I don’t think that floral blanket would look right in your home, I’m so sorry…

Police detective inspector

As I already explained, I think I’d make a BRILLIANT detective inspector. Slightly awkward confession here… I’m one of those people who’s a little obsessed with serial killer crimes, but this is not a new thing for me.

I’ve been interested in serial killers – as well as true crime, ghost stories and mysteries – since I was a little kid. I have NO idea why my parents weren’t worried about me, because having a 10-year-old child with a fascination in true crime and weird goings-on is kinda weird and creepy in my eyes. They even indulged my interest in it [honestly Mum, I mean WHAT?] because I have books that I remember getting for Christmas or my birthday about crime stuff. The early 1980s was very much a time when many serial killers were on the news so I guess I was exposed to it a fair bit and for some reason developed an interest in it.

Lack of child psychology intervention aside(!), my interest in this stuff has never waned. I am so interested in the process of catching killers and crimes being solved; maybe (and this came to me recently) it’s because I’m such an empath when it comes to other people’s emotions? I see someone cry, I’ll cry in sympathy. I’ll cry at an advert or crappy made-for-TV movies if there’s even just a hint of sad in it. I’m a wreck watching any classic Disney movie because the parents always die, amirite Cinderella/Bambi/The Lion King/Tarzan?

Maybe my fascination with the macabre comes from a need to understand how someone could have so little empathy for others when I have so much? It’s the only explanation I can come up with.

So hopefully I’ve explained away my strange interest in true crime. I therefore don’t need the training and experience required for being a detective inspector, because I’m just interested in this stuff. And I’m good at looking for clues and working out whodunnit in whodunnit movies. Plus I like using Post-Its and I’m always partial to a wall chart with red string tied between pins on the wall. What other experience is necessary?!

Casting director

Now the casting director idea came to me recently when I realised (when reading Amber Eve’s The Accidental Imposter) that when I read books, I immediately start thinking about all the characters in it and who I’d cast as them in a movie or TV adaptation of said book (assuming I’m reading the book before any movie is made). In fact, I even watch real-life dramas and think the same thing. Watching ‘that’ impeachment trial in 2021 I figured that house manager Jamie Raskin should be played by Stanley Tucci, Diana DeGette by Catherine Keener and Eric Swalwell by Jerry O’Connell (yes, I really was that invested in who should play whom). Rest assured, if/when the film of that trial is ever made I’ll be watching it going, Yes! I was right! I SAID Leslie Jones should be playing Stacey Plaskett…!

Basically I just LOVE thinking of the best actors to play fictitious characters. And I’m really good at it, in a totally geeky, ever-so-slightly-obsessive way. I almost can’t start a new book until I’ve worked out who’s going to play each character of the book I’ve just finished. Move over Hollywood, your new casting director – no experience needed – is in town.

Tour guide

You may or may not know that I used to be a teacher. Not a very good one, and not for very long (two years), but yes – I am trained to be a teacher (within adult education, meaning 16+). I therefore actually quite enjoy standing up and talking to a room full of people, masochist that I am. When I left teaching I went on to work as a staff trainer within retail, so I got to continue my love of bossing people around and somewhat being the centre of attention (my 43-year-old mother would not disagree about my 5-year-old self as I was the same back then). At my first wedding I did a speech – no way were my father, the groom and the best man going to hog all the limelight.

And I love visiting historic places, especially museums and galleries. When I lived in London I worked at the V&A Museum for a few years on a part-time basis on their education programme because I adore that museum so much. To me, the idea of taking groups around and talking about the paintings/sculptures/whatever and answering everyone’s questions is so appealing and I’d totally love it. I’d get to see all the artworks I want, I’d get to stand up and talk to everyone and I’m charge of a group of people. I have no shame in admitting that that’s so… me.