Midlife: It’s All a Bit Shit, Isn’t It? (Life Lately…)

So I called this It’s All A Bit Shit, Isn’t It? – it could have also been entitled How to Cope When Life Changes – and Not For the Better.

I’ll let you decide which title you prefer once you’ve had a read (and I promise it’ll be quick. Look, just five minutes! A record for me, considering that whenever I say “I’ll be quick, I promise…” it usually spells the kiss of death to any desired brevity of prose).

Some of the content in this post is about dementia and degenerative disease and may be triggering for some. [Reading time: 5 mins]

Anyway…

Life hasn’t been easy lately. I know I’m not the only one, but god, I’m tired. REALLY tired.

Middle age, midlife, “your 50s”, the golden years… whatever you call it, no one prepares you for it. Or at least, no one prepared us Gen X-ers for it. (Are we preparing Gen Z-ers enough? I’ll let you ponder that while you read.)

I will admit that, at times, midlife SUCKS.

I’ve had a lot going on this year. Our family has had a lot going on this year. I thought that by talking [writing] about it, it might give me some perspective. So this is going to come from the heart I guess, it’ll be a bit random and maybe not that structured, and I’ll just write. You may well be going through the same kind of shit, and I’m so sorry if that’s the case. It may be different kinds of shit to mine, but it’s still shite, isn’t it?

Here goes.

Nobody told me there’d be days like these

So, going back to my point about not being prepared, and to quote John Lennon: nobody told me there’d be days like these. In our youth, we (hopefully, in a stable and loving family environment) get help and guidance when navigating our childhood and teens and how to become an adult, but in terms of getting older… the fact that so many things change – and the way they change – can come as a massive and (often) unwelcome shock.

No one is there to give us guidance on “how” to age. No one tells you what to expect or how to cope. You start to wonder how many more things can go wrong/be shit/annoy you/hurt you.

Rather than waffle on with long paragraphs for each “thing”, I thought I’d just summarise the year I’ve had so far (worse than some people’s perhaps, but likely not as bad as others):

We had several unexpected deaths in our extended friends/family circle, including a close friend of my husband’s (his passing hit us really hard). It’s been sad and depressing and funerals are especially heartbreaking when it’s someone your own (young) age.
My health went from bad to dreadful – I was diagnosed with sciatica and have had several bouts of literal “screaming and crying in agony” back pain and continued leg pain. I can remember sitting on my bed on Christmas Eve last year and crying because I couldn’t move without feeling like I was being stabbed in the leg over and over.
Our bad financial situation worsened, with me not receiving any income at all this year until a couple of weeks ago.
The cost of everything rose and rose, plus we’ve been trying to find the money to pay for weekly physio for me to stop the screaming pain.
I suffered massive, debilitating weight gain due to not being able to eat well (cooking food from scratch was impossible for me) or move without screaming in pain and making me lose all my self-confidence. (I’ll stop with the mention of screaming pain now… I think I’ve rammed that point home enough.)
My sister and BIL (who live in Australia and we haven’t seen in six years) visited last month only to catch Covid and not be able to spend any time with us for two weeks of their visit.
Most of the rest of the family then caught Covid as well and my 95-year-old father (who has dementia) ended up in hospital and on oxygen for over a week. Only my other sister and niece could visit him because they were the only ones who didn’t catch it. My dad came back home only for the dementia to have advanced exponentially, most likely due to the hospital stay… he’s gone from needing professional care three times a week to three times a day. My mum is 90 and not physically or emotionally able to care for my dad by herself.
The constant care that my parents have needed for a while now just grew and grew. Thankfully I have a large family and everyone does so much, whenever they can, to help them. But I’m on a constant state of high alert whenever my mum calls or my sister calls, because I’m always thinking “is this the phone call where they tell me…” and it’s emotionally exhausting.
I’m tired. I’m perimenopausal. “Tough” jobs around the house and garden – like laying new turf after digging and prepping the soil in our front garden the other week – made us realise we tire SO much more quickly than when we were 30. I’ve really felt 52 this year. Everything I do has to involve me being careful that I don’t pull my back again. Or twist my knee again, or pull my shoulder again, all of which my physiotherapist has worked on for me.

There may well be more things, but I can’t think of them right now. I think you can probably tell how challenging 2024 has been so far, however.

Coping with physical change (and I don’t necessarily mean “The” change)

So that’s my summary of this year to date. Anyone who’s had similar experiences – now or in the past – can, I’m sure, relate to how tough this stuff can be. Tough and tiring. The ageing (and required care) of my parents and my own health divebombing are what’s contributed most to my exhaustion; I never really noticed my own ageing till now.

It will take time to adjust to this new life, rather: this new chapter of my life. It is a HUGE gear change. The way I think about so many things is forever changing and I honestly don’t feel like the same person I was 10 years ago, maybe even 5 years ago (or pre-pandemic, shall we say).

I’m now acutely aware of my own mortality, having to cope with being unable to cook, clean or even work during my bouts of sciatica. Sitting at a desk was intensely painful, despite me having a very expensive ergonomic office chair, so my output plummeted. I couldn’t find comfortable positions in bed to lie in so my sleep was erratic at best. Self-care, what’s that? All I want is to be pain-free.

And of course, perimenopause continues to be fun and games. On the one hand, we are talking about menopause so much more which is amazing, and it’s good for the younger generation (and all men!) to have a greater understanding of menopause. But on the other hand… oh god, we know so much more. So many books to read, so many discussions to have with friends, so many health adjustments or remedies to consider, so much battling with doctors, so much confusion over the endless symptoms and what to do about them.

Nevertheless, I’d rather live in a more-informed world than a less-informed one… knowledge is power, as they say.

The ageing parents quandary

This is the worst bit for me, and something I’ve only touched on in previous posts or other platforms. My dad is now in advanced stage dementia, and I honestly can’t describe quite how that feels. I’m not, in fact, going to describe my feelings or talk about his condition in any detail, because 1. I don’t actually want to share my honest, true feelings, and 2. I guess I’m doing it out of respect for the wonderful man I once knew.

It’s not because I’m in denial about the whole thing – quite the opposite, in fact. It’s just that my feelings may come across as cold-hearted, unkind, too pragmatic or just downright blunt. We essentially lost our father a long time ago… I now understand when they say that dementia is “the long goodbye”. It’s a hard thing to explain but I’m sure there are people who know (sadly) what I’m getting at.

So if you’re going through/went through something similar (and my trigger warning didn’t put you off reading), then do know that I get exactly how tough it is. The physical side of tending to them and everything/everyone around them. The emotional side of everything that’s happening. The financial side and just how eye-wateringly expensive round-the-clock care is.

It is DRAINING. Not just where dementia and Alzheimer’s are concerned, but for anyone coping with – or caring for someone with – any sort of degenerative disease.

I said it before, but I’ll say it again… nobody told me there’d be days like these. I see you, I really do.

✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷

I have no “quick fixes” to offer. I can’t give any sound advice because I’m finding everything hard to cope with myself. But sometimes it’s good to get it off your chest, it’s good to start discussions (head to the comments and sound off if you wish), and where the positive side of the internet is concerned, sometimes it’s a case of reading a post like this and just realising you’re not alone.

As I mentioned before, I’m sorry if you too are going through a shitty time, whatever form it may be taking. I have to remind myself – for want of a less cheesy quote – that “this too shall pass”. To look at the positive side of things, my five months (and counting) of physio treatment has “mended” my body back to about 85% pain-free, and I can finally exercise again. I AM feeling better, albeit slowly.

We are falling into a better routine with the care for my parents. Rather than myself and my family being responsible for 90% of the care they require, we’re now responsible for about 20% of what they need, and the professionals take care of the rest.

I don’t know quite HOW I could have been more prepared for this shift in life circumstances, because I’m still wrapping my head around it all.

So, back to my opening line: I’ll stick with It’s All A Bit Shit, Isn’t It?. Because I still don’t know how to cope. I guess the answer to that is simply, “Take one day at a time” – and that’s all any of us can do.